When writing about Pesach, I mentioned Rabbi Weiner's point of asuk be-mitzvah patur mi-mitzvah ("women are exempt from following the Pesach Seder because they are occupied with performing another mitzvah=tending to the children"). I asked him to explain a bit more about this mitzvah, "tending to the children's needs." This is especially pertinent to Shavuot since (as mentioned in #2) a woman's (and man's) connection to learning is inherently connected to her mitzvah of chinuch (parenting/education).
A rabbi (I think it was Rabbi Manis Friedman but I could be wrong) was once asked what his wife does career-wise. He explained that she does philanthropic work; that she runs an institution takes care of all of the needs of 9 children whom nobody else wants. She provides their physical needs, education, etc. Then he said: "and by the way, they happen to be her children." This story perfectly summarizes the halachic definitions of parenting.
Taking care of all of a child's physical needs is general mitzvah of gemilus chasadim and ahavas Yisrael. Rav Weiner wrote that both genders have a mitzvah to assist someone they see in need, physically and emotionally. Men have an additional commandment - women have no such obligation - to actually bring 2 lives into the world. I asked him how a woman can be commanded to take care of a child when she is not obligated to become a mother? He replied: "the 2 things are unrelated. If you're doing chesed for someone who happens to be your child, does that then diminish the mitzvah of ahavas yisrael and gemilus chesed??!!"
So raising Jewish kids entails performing 3 mitzvot:
1. Gemilus Chesed - that's with regard to their physical needs:
Taking care of our kids' spiritual needs is a separate issue which splits into 2 mitzvot:
2. Mitzvat Chinuch - raising a child to be ethical and independent. This also means making sure they know how to perform mitzvot like keeping kosher and Shabbos, etc. So when we perform "Learning for the sake of Performance of Mitzvot," that is essentially a facet of mitzvat Chinuch. How can we educate our kids if we are ignorant?! In addition to that, we are obligated to learn in order to have moral substance to pass on to the next generation. It's not just about "wait 6 hours, only use this cup, etc." but it's also "this is how we work on our temper, this is how we pay the bills, this is how we deal with depression in a healthy way, etc."
3. Mitzvat Talmud Torah - sending one's son to learn Torah in the Yegia/Amal baTorah sense (the 3rd mitzvah of Torah learning that men are obligated. See Shavuot installment #2).
(For the sake of intellectual honesty I want to point out that women are legally exempt from #3. This is due to the halachic principle that states that one who is exempt from a mitzvah cannot be obligated to cause someone else to perform the same thing. Given that women are exempt from Yegia baTorah, they cannot be legally obligated to make sure their sons do it. That said, obviously it is a beautiful and incredible thing if a women does prioritize her son's Yegia baTorah, as much as she humanly can.)
Our Children = Little worlds. That makes us (the mommies) ... ??
When the Sages discussed what possessed G-d, Who is perfect and lacking nothing, to create the physical world and everything in it, they quote David HaMelech who explained "Olam chesed yibaneh (the world will be built on loving kindness)." Our Sages interpret this verse as describing G-d's need to give, that part of His perfection is His benevolence and generosity and so He created a world that could receive His goodness and keep it going.
Once again (see Shavuot installment #2) we see here women being a reflection of Hashem in the physical world: bringing life into the world as an act of chesed (towards her husband, to help him fulfill his mitzvah, as well as to the child him/herself). (Hint #574867589 why we read the scroll of Ruth on Shavuot.) We reflect the divine, with much that it entails; the paradox, the strength, the vulnerability. (Only a strong and vulnerable G-d would create humans in order to connect with them...)
Is it a tall order? Without a doubt. But can we do it? Without a doubt, even though there are days where it seems like too much. On those days, please breathe deeply and remember the following:
Firstly - simplify where possible and be kind and loving towards yourself. We do not need to be perfect – we need to be the best us we can. G-d doesn't admire us despite our limitations but because of them. When we feel out limitations - aka we feel depleted, etc - that is a time to prioritize self-care. If we are empty, we have nothing to give anyone. We are made in G-d's image, but we are not G-d.
The other thing we need to remember is that as women, our super-power is elasticity. (Did you ever see the Incredibles? Right…) Our bodies by definition are constantly changing; whether it's the monthly cycle, or in a super-intense way, in pregnancy. We stretch to house at least one other human (mommies of multiples, we bow before you) and then we shrink back. Extend again with the next pregnancy, and constrict again. And so on and so forth. We are much stronger than we can even fathom.
I don't think this is only a physiological fact but also our legacy to our children. The gemara in masechet Nidah (31a) says that a human is comprised of the contributions of 3 parties. (3 pillars uphold the world, hmmm…) "The father provides the bones, tendons, nails, brain, and the eyeball; the mother provides the skin, muscle, hair, [blood in earlier editions of the gemara] and the pupil; and G-d gives him ruach and neshama, beauty of facial features, vision, hearing, speech, motion, intelligence…" Notice that that the father's contributions are cold and rigid; the mother's are warm and flexible. Hashem activates and animates it all.
This makes me think of the different Torahs a child is meant to receive from each parent. From the father - one is meant to receive a certain integrity, what Shlomo HaMelech would call "Musar Avicha" (very hard to translate musar but I'd say "the discipline of the father") (And ftr, may G-d bless our husbands to rise to this challenge!!) In contrast, a child also needs "Toras Imecha" ("the teaching of the mother") which means knowing when to adapt, to adjust, and take into consideration. Flexibility. (And this is in line with Chasidus explaining that Written Torah is masculine/Abba because it is rigid and unchanging versus Oral Torah being feminine/Ima because of its adaptability.)
"The world stands on 3 pillars: Torah, prayer and deeds of loving kindness." That's Life summarized in the best possible nutshell. To build secure worlds, we need: the loving kindness to accept the things (and people!) we can't change, the elasticity to change the things we can, and the wisdom not only to know the difference, but to daven and ask Hashem for everything we need. And in His infinite loving-kindess, may He always answer our prayers in the most overtly good way.
