Installment #3: Restrictions continued: Garments, Gifts, Grooming and Hygiene

A. Music – see previous entry

B. Clothing

1) Laundry

It is forbidden to do laundry during the 9 days. That means one should try to prepare enough laundry for 9 days in advance. However, as all mommies know, sometimes when babies teethe, they can get fever and diarrhea, or they suddenly spit up a lot that particular week and you find yourself going through 3 outfits a day. Not just the baby but you too. We've all been there, honey. It's not you, it's life. So what do you do when you run out of clothes within the first 4 days of the 9 days? Try to calculate how much you'll need to get you through the remaining days and do that load. AND PRAY!!

2) Purchases

a) Clothes/Shoes 

This actually happened to me when YY was little:

He was about 6 y.o. and the 2nd day of the 9 days he ripped his sandals. He tried on his sneakers from the winter/spring and sat there crying that they're too small. Also, he was the first kid, so we had no hand-me-downs to rely on. What to do?  

I don't remember what we did then, but Rabbi Weiner said that halachically the ideal is to take them to a shoemaker and try to have them fixed first. (This is also true for clothing. Better to go to a tailor than to purchase new clothes.) If it is impossible, and the child literally has nothing left to wear, then one may purchase new shoes/clothes.

b) Toys/Gifts

As mommies, we spend a lot of time with charts and stickers. For this generation, reward is a much more powerful motivator than any threat or punishment. The charts work on many mental muscle groups within the kids: they develop the ability for delayed gratification (such an important skill!!), cumulative growth, patience, abstract thinking etc. But at the end of the day, they keep their eye on the prize and wait to receive that toy/game/whatever they are working towards.

What happens if the end of the wait falls out during the 3 weeks or 9 days? Answer: because the mitzvah of chinuch is so important, one may buy prizes to motivate children during this timeframe and give them their well-earned prize to reward a job well done.

C. Showering

Showering for pleasure is forbidden for everyone. Showering for hygiene purposes is permitted. However, in-line with the rest of Chabad philosophy, one must constantly check-in with, and push themselves, 1 step out of their comfort-zone.

It is permitted to bathe babies normally (with warm water) for basic hygiene upkeep. Children who are not yet bar/bat-mitzvah-aged may bathe with warm/hot water normally. That said, children who are nearing "gil chinuch," ("the age of education" – 9 y.o. and up) should already be training to take their own pulse re: "what are my limits? Am I able to shower with water that is a temperature (colder) that is outside of my comfort zone?" And should act accordingly. That said, he also mentioned that there are no set rules re: age because it varies child to child developmentally. It is the parents' job to be in tune with their child to know when and how much to challenge each one.

D. Grooming – cutting (all types of) hair for adults and children

Getting haircuts, shaving (face and body hair) are forbidden during the 9 days.

Hypothetical situation (hi hello, been there): let's say you suddenly discover in the beginning of the 9 days that you or your child has come home with a mighty case of the 3^rd plague. Let's also say that said plague-carrier has long hair and it would make combing out the plague significantly easier to cut it shorter. It is permitted to cut the hair to make combing it easier (for either yourself or the child).

As for women and grooming: if you are the type that needs to be smooth at all times - wax before the 9 days LOL!

Next Installment be"H: Tips

The 3 Weeks - Installment #2: Restrictions part 1: Introduction and Music

The basis for the restrictions of sefirat ha-omer and the 3 weeks/9 days is the laws of mourning. While there are similarities there are also significant differences. In fact, the best way to understand the laws of the 3 weeks is by juxtaposing them with the laws of sefirat ha-omer – and this will be my foundation for conveying the laws.

Quick breakdown:

During sefirat ha-omer and the 3 weeks, organizing and/or attending joyous events (whether life cycle-related - such as weddings, etc or just entertainment – like concerts) is forbidden. The offshoot of that prohibition is refrain from listening to music. Additionally, during both time periods it is forbidden to purchase new items of any type, especially garments, as well as grooming oneself (getting haircuts; for men – shaving their faces, etc). In general, doing things that are associated with happiness are meant to be minimized.

During the 9 days there are additional restrictions that are not only connected to refraining from happiness but also putting oneself in dangerous situations. These include refraining from travelling long distances (once upon a time, by boat was the only option, but today it includes airplane), not doing laundry, not eating meat or drinking wine or grape juice, and not participating in water activities such as swimming or bathing.

In the final installment (be"H) I hope to manage to find and write up the deeper meaning behind these traditions. But for now, I would like to get into how to properly observe these days. They are not meant to be arbitrary days of torture but rather times carved out for us to reflect on how we interact with these elements of life called happiness, abundance and progress.

A. Music for Mommies

Everyone knows that music has tremendous influence over the body and soul, but mommies experience this especially potently. On days that even after a glass of wine, you still find yourself shaking and seething, putting on the right song washes a chunk of the sorrow and stress away. Not only that, but sometimes (ironically) the key to getting a few minutes of quiet, is to put on your baby's/child's favourite cd. So are we meant to suffer helplessly over the 3 weeks?

The issue with listening to music is mostly listening to live music. This is because it's associated with public, happy events and THOSE are what constitute the essence of the prohibition, during sefirat ha-omer and the 3 weeks. So listening to recorded music, privately, for relaxation (unlike say, organizing a dance party in your living room) - either your own or your child's tranquility - is totally permitted during sefirat ha-omer. 

That said, Rabbi Weiner said that during the 3 weeks, the laws are more stringent. And this brings us to what I wrote in the previous installment about self-awareness and consciousness. I feel like Rabbi Weiner wrote it so perfectly in the email, so i am just going to quote him: "If it is necessary for one's mental well-being ("for the soothing of the soul"), it is permissible to listen to music even during the 3 weeks because it is like medicine which is permitted to be taken. But one must minimize this and really think about what is truly necessary." 

BAM! That last sentence there is the essence of what it means to be a chasid. Music def has medicinal properties but so does Tylenol. Just as we needn't run to pop pills over every little ache for our physical health, so too we need awareness of the situation and self-reflection for our spiritual well-being. Navigating the permitted. We need to take their own pulse sometimes and answer the question of "Is this a need or a crutch/cop-out?"

Next installment be"H: Laundry, Purchases and Hygiene

The 3 Weeks – Installment #1: Teaching the Mind to Choose Redemption

The point of the fasts and the 3 week/9 day mourning period is to create a solemn framework within our busy lives, to inspire us to yearn for the Beis HaMikdash/Redemption in a focused manner. But why should we yearn for this? And how do those restrictions and rituals aid that internal process?

Torah = Animal trainer

So much of Torah and mitzvos' point is to draw our attention to our lives; to cause us to live consciously and not take anything for granted. Being a chasid takes the whole thing to the next level. There is a famous Chasidic aphorism I loosely translated as "what's forbidden - is forbidden; what is permitted - might just be superfluous." Being a chasid requires one to make judgment calls - not regarding what is forbidden, for that doesn't even begin for a chasid. What we need to navigate is that which is permitted, and learn to utilize this physical world in the most essential manner.

This requires one to exercise techniques that develop self-awareness, in order to gradually strip away that which is impeding one's spiritual growth. Whether it is one's relationship with food and other basic, biological needs or whether it is one's relationship with his inner emotional world. The goal of Torah in general and Chasidus specifically is to widen the gap between stimulus and response.

Most humans live in an instinctual manner; someone insults me so I automatically hurl an insult (or something else) back, without devoting much time to the choice of response. I just grab the first thing that popped into my mind, whether or not it makes sense and whether or not I actually agree with what I just said. Later on, we either regret it, or not. This is an instinctual response or an animalistic (animal-soul) response.

Human Redemption

The way Judaism envisions the era of Moshiach isn’t some fairytale existence that occurs randomly because a fairy godmother flew in and waved her magic wand. Moshiach is a great leader whose greatness is that he empowers others. So if we have a leader who brings the best out of those around him/her, a positive ripple effect (such as the description of the idyllic life during the Geula) occurs naturally as a result. Peace and harmony reigning is the natural progression of a society who lives consciously and wisely. Conversely, as long as we continue letting the animal soul automatically dictate our thoughts, speech and actions, we keep ourselves trapped in exile – in a cruel and chaotic world.

The Torah: The Diagnosis and the Cure

Depth means that something descends down to the lowest, most fundamental point. The theoretical tends to hover in the upper, ethereal and intangible realms. Torah is never meant to be theoretical. This is why Chasidus is the deepest part of Torah – it trickles all the way down and enlivens even the lowliest facets of our lives.

When we will take a look at the laws the Sages prescribed to steer our attention to our desire for redemption, they actually embedded the remedy within the illness. This entire introduction isn't some fluffy, theoretical monologue but rather a prerequisite for the halachic discussion on how to observe the 3 weeks. How do you yearn for the Geula? By living consciously, even on a mundane level, for 22 days.

Next 2 installments be"H: the laws of the restrictions of the 3 weeks.

Fasting - Installment #2: Tips - the Mommy's Survival Guide

Challenge #1: Feeling Sick (for both types of women – nursing/pregnant and non)

Fasting tends to cause discomfort; things like headaches dizziness nausea etc. These side effects are not isolated random symptoms of fasting per se, but rather are mostly the symptoms of dehydration and low blood sugar levels. So to avoid feeling sick from fasting, one needs to avoid getting dehydrated and keep blood sugar level normal. But how is that possible during fasting?!

If you are pregnant or nursing it's hard, but not impossible. That said, if you are neither one of those, then it IS doable. As with almost everything, it's all about advance planning and preparation. My former neighbor who's a nutritionist taught me this trick almost 20 years ago and it has been working like a charm since then puhpuhpuh.

Tip: At least 3 days before a fast, purchase some type of non-acidic juice or juice concentrate, like grape or apple. (Please note: before Tisha B'Av, grape juice is not an option because of the prohibition of drinking wine or grape juice during the 9 days.) Then, 48 hours before the fast, start drinking 1 cup (I don't mean the baking measurement but just a cup) of diluted juice every 1-2 hours. If you can remember to drink 1 cup every hour – great! If not, and you only do it every 2 hours, this trick still works. So if using apple juice, for example, pour yourself 1/2 cup of juice and the rest = water. Doing this for 48 hours before a fast raises your blood sugar levels (but not extremely) so that they don't plummet on the day of the fast. Through this regimen, you go into the fast adequately hydrated.

Challenge #2: (for nursing women) Decrease in breast milk production.

Tip: Pump and freeze in advance or buy formula. Just be prepared that because you are not eating or drinking, your milk levels will drop.

Challenge #3: (for pregnant women) Braxton hicks contractions

Tip: Have a glass of wine! No, it will not hurt the baby. Let me explain: when i was 7 months pregnant with my daughter, I started getting these weird contractions on Tisha B'av (my doctor said there was no reason for me not to fast). I had never had Braxton Hicks before and called my ob-gyn immediately. He listened and said that the best way to tell if labour has legit begun or if it's a false alarm, is by drinking wine. After all, the uterus is a muscle and contractions are the muscles flexing in order to push the baby out; alcohol is a muscle relaxant, so… He told me to start with ½ a glass and see if the contractions stop. If 30 minutes later the contractions haven't stopped - to drink another ½ glass of wine. If the contractions continue after a full glass - then it is not Braxton Hicks but the real deal and to get to the hospital asap. (Post-script: sure enough the wine worked and my daughter was born on Succot.)

(i do not know why this paragraph is a lighter than the other 😞)

Challenge #4: Being out of it and the kids needing attention

Tip: in Israel there are Tisha B'Av camps. Industrious teens get a mommy to volunteer her home for a couple of hours and said teens keeps your munchkins (and others from the neighbourhood) busy. We had it at our house a few times and it was great. Sometimes the teens clean up and sometimes you gotta clean up later (like if they do arts and crafts at your house or after a snack). Still, it's worth to have someone take them to the park so I could conserve my energy and rest. (P.S. If anyone wants Tisha B'Av camp ideas for toddlers – drop me a line.)

If I think of anymore - I still have time to write them up and post them.

Next Series of Installments Be"H: the laws of the 3 weeks and the 9 days when you're a mommy…

Fasting - Installment #1: Halacha

One of the most surprising conversations I had at Mayanot with Rabbi Levinger was during one of the fast days. I don’t remember which one it was, or how this came up, but Rabbi Levinger suddenly sputtered incredulously "Mrs. Lowell, are you fasting?!" I know he didn't mean to ask me a personal question but I said "well, yes, given that I'm not pregnant or a mayneket (a woman who gave birth in the past 24 months, whether or not she is actually nursing) - of course I am." His eyes bugged out of his head. "I've never heard of that. Women and girls fasting other than on Yom Kipur?! In Vizhnitz and other chasiduses, women and girls don't do that! And your daughter – she is also fasting?" "Yes, Rabbi, she is over bat mitzvah…" I went off to teach while he was shaking his head.

I am not delegitimizing any other branch's path and didn't spend time researching what they based their psak on. The legal definitions below are what Chabad maintains a woman is obligated in, in terms of fasting.

First and foremost, we need to split the 6 fasts into 3 halachic categories:

1. Yom Kipur

2. Tisha B'Av

3. the other four (Tzom Gedaliah, 10^th of Tevet, Taanit Esther and 17^th Tammuz)

(As a child, I heard a great riddle that helped me remember all the fasts: 1 is short and 1 is long, 1 is male and 1 is female, 1 is black and 1 is white – what am i? Answer: fasts.)

On the most basic level, a healthy non-mommy is obligated in all 6. That said, rabbis tend to be lenient with regard to women fasting the last 4 if it causes them to feel sick/weak/etc. A woman who is either pregnant or a mayneket is exempt from the last four (category 3).

The 2 most stringent fasts, that all are obligated to observe, are Tisha B'Av and Yom Kipur. While they are both important, Yom Kipur is a Torah-given mitzvah and therefore more stringent. Obviously if one has health issues, one needs to consult with their doctor - and friendly-neighbourhood-rabbi - if/how to observe these fasts.

Pregnancy and Tisha B'Av:

One needs to ask their doctor if they may fast. That said, if a pregnant woman is fasting on Tisha B'Av and feels too ill to continue (dizziness, weakness, contractions – whether Braxton-Hicks or real, etc etc) she breaks her fast and eats and drinks normally the rest of the day.

Pregnancy and Yom Kipur:

Assuming your doctor says you can fast, then you fast. If you feel dizzy, weak, etc, then you start what is called "shiurim." (No this doesn't mean going to a Torah lecture.) "Shiur" means "a measurement," a set allocated amount of something. (So a Torah shiur is meant to be explaining an allocated, set portion of Torah. I guess my classes don't count as shiurim LOL!!) So it means eating and drinking the amounts the rabbis determined are enough to restore a person, but not considered officially eating (aka breaking a fast).

This translates to 30gr (about 1.05oz or 2 tbsps) of food every 10 minutes and 30cl (that's 300ml) of liquid every 10 minutes. (This is according to Rabbi Weiner but he told me that there are poskim who are more lenient.) You do not need to stagger the food and drink but rather take a dose of each every 10 minutes.

It is preferable not to use water as the liquid but rather something nutritious that has calories. My old ob-gyn said (back in the day) the best thing to do shiurim with in terms of food is either tehina or halva. He said that those are the best because you are getting the most nutrition per bite, as the sesame paste (either salty or sweet) is a great source of protein, iron and calcium. In terms of the liquid – a non-acidic juice is the best. So if you are pregnant or a mayneket, before a fast, buy whichever of those foods you don't mind eating. If you hate both – cook a small pot of soup and do shiurim on that. Either way, have the option ready and waiting in your fridge/on a blech/Shabbos-hotplate. Worst case scenario is that you won't need it.

One other halachic point – re: davening:

Yes, Yom Kipur is lofty and part of what makes it so, are the services. Being in shul, hearing the chazzan sing the various moving liturgical pieces is uplifting and gives the day its feeling of spiritual significance. It can be a real downer feeling sick and feeling the FOMO by lying in bed trying to make the room stop spinning. (I will address this issue for women in the Tishrei installment be"H.) That said, the most important mitzvah of the day is getting through the fast. If possible, arrange to have an extra pair of hands (sturdy hands, do not take someone feeble!) on deck on any fast day, whether it's a mother/-in-law, sister/sib-in-law, teenage neighbor, etc. This is to help take care of you, should you not feel well, as well as taking care of the children, so that at least your husband will be able to get the most out of this awesome day. It really does take a village.

However, sometimes it's not possible. If a couple doesn't have familial support nearby, then the brunt of helping a wife get through the fast falls on the husband and this can be difficult. A wife and husband both need to have tremendous sensitivity and gratitude towards each other in this situation. A husband has to understand that he has 2 mitzvot on Yom Kipur:

a) making sure he fasts and

b) making sure his wife gets through the fast.

Davening be'yechidus (alone at home) while monitoring a sick wife, (taking care of the kids?) and possibly spoonfeeding her shiurim can be dispiriting, but he can be encouraged by the knowledge that he is doing what Hashem truly wants him to do. He needs to remind himself to be grateful because the reason she is in this situation is due to her act of chesed towards him of carrying his child. (See Shavuos installment #5.) And a woman should be endlessly grateful for her husband's assistance and not fall into the very natural mental trap of thinking "what? It's his job if he's a mentsch!" Gratitude is very much the biggest "terufah lifnei ha-makah" (the medicine that averts the illness) of shalom bayis. And nothing mars the inspiration of Yom Kipur like resentment.

Next installment: practical tips for getting through the fasts in the best way possible.