Installment #3: Women and Learning, Part 2 - The Turning Point

Above all the maelstrom of discussing women and learning, our Sages (the Vilna Gaon, the Rebbe, to name just a few) bring it all to a halt when they address THE shift. They understood that the Jewish people, and the world in general, were on an evolutionary course, and humanity was designed to change and develop. Life by definition is dynamic and it is not by chance that the Torah is called "Torat Chayim" – the Torah of Life. Despite certain truths being universal and eternal, many elements of life are expected to change and the Messianic era is the main catalyst for many of the changes.

The Rebbe says that the changes in recent years in women and Torah learning are quantitative and are not at all surprising or unexpected. He point outs that as a people, we've never had a time when we didn't have a single female Torah scholar, but they were the exception rather than the rule. Nowadays, however, the numbers are increasing significantly because of the fulfillment of Yeshayahu's (ch.51) and Yirmiyahu's (ch. 31) prophecies. They prophesied that in the era of Moshiach, the Torah will evolve to reflect the return to Eden (in its pre-sin state), which is personified by the mutual respect of male and female. This will be indicated by an awakening of female desire to learn Torah, en masse. The Rebbe says that the glimmers of the Messianic reality start shining before the ultimate revelation, just as a person is supposed to taste the Shabbos food before it's officially Shabbos. (And of course this is a riff on the concept that the redemption is "Yom she'kulo Shabbos.")

The Rebbe points out that with Torah learning, other than obligation, there is an element of innate, internal drive and subsequent self-fulfillment: [direct translation, all parentheses and italics appear in the sicha] "And with regard to women learning Oral Torah (in addition to the laws they need to know) because women are already learning other things… not only is it permissible for them to study the Oral Torah but more than that… it is a necessity… because it is human nature (in man or woman) that desires and takes pleasure in this type of learning and thus their senses and talents develop according to the spirit of our holy Torah."

We see that what we are going through isn't a case of technological advancement creating opportunities for women, but of the divine master plan creating a situation where the latent potential can surface and actualize. This is a necessary prerequisite for the Geula – for the wellsprings to fully burst forth everywhere, or in other words, dirah ba-tachtonim in every nook and cranny of existence.

He gave this sicha the week of parshas Emor and felt the secret to education lay in the first Rashi on the parsha. Rashi writes that Moshe has to say the following to the Kohanim ("emor el haKohanim") because ""le'hazhir gedolim al ktanim," which usually means "the big people will warn the little ones." The Rebbe expounds this concept (radically) as "the bigger people are meant to cause the smaller ones to shine." Le'hazhir can mean to warn or to cause to shine (like the word Zohar) and the Rebbe uses the latter definition rather than the former. This is the image he uses to describe how a woman performs the mitzvah of educating her sons AND daughters: as being great enough to shine her light in order to help them reveal theirs.

Next up, installments #4 and #5: so how do we do this?!

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לימוד תורה של נשים חלק 2: נקודת המפנה

מעל כל הסערה בנושא נשים ולימוד תורה, חז"ל (הגר"א והרבי למשל) עוצרים את הדיון כשמגיעים לנקודת המפנה. הם הבינו שעם ישראל והעולם כולו אמור להתפתח והאנושות אמורה להשתנות. לחיות זה להשתנות וזה לא סתם שהתורה נקראת "תורת חיים." למרות כמה עקרונות נצחיים, אלמנטים רבים של החיים אמורים להתפתח והגורם העקרי לשינויים זו הגאולה.

הרבי אמר שהשינוי בשנים האחרונות בתחום לימוד התורה אצל נשים זה בעיקר שינוי כמותי ולא מפתיע בכלל. הוא מצביע על העובדה שלא היתה תקופה בהיסטוריה שלנו כעם, שלא היו תלמידות חכמות בעם ישראל כלל, רק שזה היה מקרים בודדים. עכשיו זו תופעה הולכת ומתפשטת כי זה התגשמות נבואותויהם של ישעיהו (פרק נ"א) וירמיהו (פרק ל"א). הם ניבאו שבעידן הגאולה, התורה תשקף את המציאות המתוקנת של חזרה למצב בגן עדן לפני החטא, מצב של "זכר ונקבה ברא אותם," כבוד-הדדי בין זכר ונקבה. אחד הסימנים המובהקים של תחילת תהליך זה – התעוררות תשוקתן של נשים ללמוד תורה – כתופעה רחבה. הרבי אומר שהניצוצות של הגאולה מתחילות לבצבץ לפני גילויו של משיח, כמו שיש מצווה לטעום מאכלי שבת לפני כניסת השבת. (וכמובן, הגאולה היא "יום שכולו שבת.")

הרבי מצביע שבלימוד תורה יש רובד נוסף, חוץ מחיוב, קיים דחף פנימי שגורם להגשמה-עצמית: "ומובן מזה גם בנוגע ללימוד תושבע"פ (נוסף על לימוד ההלכות הצריכות להן) שכיון... לומדות הנשים לימודים שונים... הרי לא זו בלבד שמותר ללמוד תושבע"פ אלא יתירה מזה...צריך ללמדן תושבע"פ...שמטבע האדם (איש או אשה) שחפץ ומתענג יותר בלימוד זה, שעי"ז תהי' אצלן התפתחות החושים והכשרונות... ברוח תורתנו הקדושה."

אנו רואים שזה לא רק התפתחות טכנולוגית נקרית איפשרה לקידום נשים בחברה אלא זו השגחה א-לוקית מכוונת שיצרה מצבים לאפשר לכוחות חבויים לפרוץ החוצה. זה תנאי הכרחי לגאולה – בלי זה, איך המעיינות יפוצו החוצה? איך יהיה אפשר להגיד שעשינו דירה בתחתונים בכל פינה ופינה בתחתונים?

הרבי אמר שיחה זו בפרשת אמור והרגיש שסודות החינוך מסתתרים ברש"י הראשון של הפרשה. רש"י כותב על ד"ה אמור אל הכוהנים: "להזהיר גדולים על הקטנים." למילה "להזהיר" יש שני פירושים אפשריים: או להתרות או לגרום למשהו להאיר. הרבי קורא את דברי רש"י לפי ההגדרה השניה – לא שהגדולים אמורים להתרות על הקטנים – אלא להעצים אותם, לגרום להם להאיר. זה הדימוי שהרבי משתמש בו כדי שנבין איך אשה מחנכת את בניה ובנותיה! יש לאשה כל כך הרבה כוחות, עד כדי כך שהיא יכולה להאיר ולגרום לילדיה לגלות את האור שלהם, להוציא אותו מן הכוח אל הפועל.

פרקים הבאים בע"ה: איך לכל הרוחות עושים את זה?! 

Installment #2: The Mitzvot of Torah Study (for Men and Women) – PART 1

(עברית למטה)

When looking at the various sources re: women and learning, we notice several things. We'll notice that there is a diverse and drastic difference of opinion; we'll notice the Sages addressing it from many different angles. Is it a question of intelligence? Is the point of learning to equip someone with the knowledge and information in order to practice correctly? Is it a means to express devotion to Hashem? Is the objective to make someone a repository of Jewish heritage? What the heck is this mitzvah and how are women meant to relate to it?

 

Halachically-speaking, Torah-learning is NOT one monolithic mitzvah, but serves 3 different functions and hence, 3 categories of mitzvot. This clarification also explains much behind the differing opinions - they are not arguing vaguely but rather within a specific context.

The 3 categories of mitzvot connected to learning Torah:

1. Limud halachot ha-tzrichot la-hen (learning the laws they need) - learning as informative preparation for the purpose of observance.

A little known fact is that EVERY HUMAN is obligated to study the laws in order to know how to perform them correctly. I say every human because the Rebbe points out in one of his Shavuos sichas (1970 or 1971) that Gentiles are obligated to study the Torah of the 7 Noahide laws in order to know how to perform them. [And ftr, Rabbi Weiner wrote the Shulchan Aruch of the Noahide laws: http://www.noachide.org.uk/Books/books.html]

2. Mitzvat Chinuch (the commandment of education) - learning as education in order to train and instruct the next generation.

Imy"H, Installment #4 will be devoted entirely to elucidating this mitzvah.

 

3. Yegia/Amal ba-Torah (Toiling in Torah study) - learning as a meditative technique to refine and harness one's consciousness and bind it to G-d.

Men are obligated in all 3 and women are exempt only from the 3rd. Exempt does NOT mean forbidden - it just means she is not penalized for failing do so (unlike a man who is). Exempt DOES mean that it is superfluous for her - in her quest for self-rectification, as performing this will not challenge her out of her comfort zone (quite the opposite) and enhance her service of Hashem. Rambam writes that women may perform the third mitzvah and that they are rewarded for it, but less than a man because they are exempt (and thereby have less resistance to overcome to do it. See Hilchot Talmud Torah ch. 1:13).

Women also have a 3rd Torah-learning-related mitzvah they are commanded to do: enabling Torah learning. The gemara (Brachot 17a) says it like this: "What are women rewarded for? [With regard to Torah study as vehicle for personal-rectification, aka what ARE they obligated to do.] For making their sons accustomed to going to synagogue [where they used to learn Chumash] and for sending their husbands off to the Beit Midrash."

What does it mean to be a facilitator? It means to nurture the motivation to learn – aka strive for personal refinement. (Side point: I know the Litvish world has interpreted 'facilitator' as 'benefactress' – financial support - but the Rebbe does not define it this way.) It is to emulate G-d almost literally because that is what He does for us – supporting us in every way, at His own expense, without it detracting from His greatness. The sign of a truly powerful person is one who empowers OTHERS.

There is another crucial element to this topic that will be covered in the next installment be"H. TBC…

 

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המצוות של לימוד תורה – חלק א'

כאשר מסתכלים על המקורות השונים לגבי לימוד תורה של נשים, אנו שמים לב לכמה וכמה נקודות. נשים לב שקיימת קשת רחבה וקיצונית של גישות כלפי הנושא; נשים לב שחז"ל מתסכלים על הנושא מזויות מגוונות. האם זו שאלה של מנת-משכל? האם מטרת הלימוד היא להעביר מידע טכני איך לשמור את המצוות? האם זה אמצעי לדבקות בה'? האם המטרה היא להפוך בן-אדם לאנציקלופדיה של מורשת ישראל? תכליס, מה המצווה הזאת של לימוד תורה ומה הקשר שלה לנשים?!

 

מבחינה הלכתית, לימוד תורה אינה מצווה אחת מעורפלת אלא משרתת שלש מטרות שונות, וזה מתבטא בשלש מצוות שונות. נקודה זו מסבירה את תשתית המחלוקות של חז"ל בנושא זה – הם אינם מתווכחים בצורה כוללנית, אלא כל ויכוח מתנהל על פני רקע מסוים.

 

שלשת הקטגוריות של מצוות הקשורות ללימוד תורה: 

 

 1. לימוד תורה הצריכות להן – לימוד כהכנה לשמירת מצוות

 

כל בן-אדם – כן, כולל אינם יהודים - חייב במצווה זו! הרבי כותב במפורש בשיחה שלו לחג השבועות שגם גויים חייבים ללמוד את הלכות 7 מצוות בני נח כדי לקיים את המצוות שלהם כראוי. [סתם דרך אגב: הרב ויינר שיחי' הוא המומחה העולמי בנושא, וכתב שולחן ערוך של מצוות בני נח ועוד ספרים רבים באנגלית לעזור להם לקיים מצווה זו. הידעתן? http://www.noachide.org.uk/Books/books.html]

 

2. מצוות חינוך – לימוד כמכין ומחנך את הדור הבא

אדון במצוות זו בפרק #4 בע"ה.

 

3. יגיע/עמל בתורה – לימוד כאמצעי לעידון הנפש ודבקות בבורא.

גברים חייבים בכל שלשתם, ואילו נשים פטורות רק בשלישי. "פטורה" זה לא אומר שאסור להן, אלא רק שהן אינן חוטאות אם הן אינן מקיימות מצווה זו (בניגוד לגבר). "פטורה" זאת אומרת שמצווה זו אינה מועילה לה, אינה עוזרת לה בתיקון שלה, שעשיית המצווה כן אמורה לגרום. רמב"ם כותב שמותר לנשים ללמוד תורה (בצורה של #3) והן אכן מקבלות שכר על זה, רק הן מקבלות פחות שכר מגבר כי הן בגדר "אינן מצוות ועושות."

 

 גם לנשים יש מצוות שלישית הקשורה ללימוד תורה שהיא אכן מצווה לעשות – לאפשר/לסייע למי שעמל בתורה – דווקא בניה ובעלה. ככתוב בגמרא (מסכת ברכות יז, א - תרגום שלי של הארמית) "במה נשים זוכות? [במובן של איך הן מקבלות שכר על יגיע בתורה] שהן מרגילות את בניהן ללכת לבית כנסת [ששם היו לומדים חומש] ואת בעליהן לבית המדרש." מה זאת אומרת לאפשר או לסייע ביגיע בתורה? זאת אומרת לטפח את המוטיבציה להיות עמל בתורה. (דרך אגב: העולם הליטאי מפרש את תפקידו כתומכת ביגיעת התורה במובן כספי אבל הרבי אינו מפרש את זה כך כלל.) כאשר אנו תומכות בעמל בתורה של מישהו אחר, אנחנו הולכות בעקבותיו של ה', הרי כך הוא נוהג: הוא תומך ביצוריו, על חשבונו, בלי שהנתינה גורעת מגדולתו כלא נימה. סימן של בן אדם באמת עוצמתי - זה מישהו שמעצים אחרים.

 

קיימת נקודה נוספת בדיון זה, שאדון בה בפרק הבא בע"ה.

 

 

Installment #1: Shavuot Is a Destination

QUICK HEADS-UP: due to requests, the Hebrew translation of each blog entry will appear below the English.

שימו לב: לפי בקשתכן, כל פרק תורגם לעברית ומופיע מתחת לפרק באנגלית. תהנו!

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When I sat down to type up my questions for Rabbi Weiner about the halachot of Shavuot I stared blankly at my computer. Um, so other than avoiding the creative acts we avoid on Shabbos and every holiday (aka melachot), what was the mitzvah of the day? I realized that everything came down to minhag, and that's just odd. THE day we celebrate receiving the 10 commandments and the 613 mitzvot and we don't have a single mitzvah to observe? How does that make sense?

Shavuot is probably the strangest holiday in the Jewish calendar. For one thing, it doesn't have a date. With all the other holidays, we are told the exact date we are meant to celebrate it. But Shavuot, all we are told is that it's the 50^th day after Pesach, whenever that is. So if there are months with 29 days, Shavuot comes out on the 5^th of Sivan; or it can come out on the 6^th  or 7^th if there are months with 30 days. And that alone is insane because how can we not have preserved the monumental day when G-d revealed Himself to the whole nation and gave us the Torah?! That's inconceivable!

This already gives us a bunch of clues about what we need to know about the essence of Shavuot. It is the 50^th day of the omer. That is its essence.

In order to understand that, we need to understand what that means. And in order to do that, we need to ask the following question: if chametz is - as Chasidus explains – ego/evil personified, then how is it permissible to consume it at all, at any time of the year?! (Hat tip to Zalman Kogan for asking that question years ago at our table and blowing my mind.)

Re-entry before the Return

Individually, most of us run out for that pizza slice or bagel (or whatever we were in withdrawal from for a week) as soon as halachically permissible after Pesach. As a nation though, we dip our toes back progressively into the world of chametz, whether we know it or not. That's part of the idea behind sefirat ha-omer.

Our Sages tell us that before the exodus, we had gradually descended down the 49 gates of impurity. What that means: we became enmeshed and distracted by the various physical (this includes emotional) aspects of the world. After the exodus, even though we left Egypt, we still need to extricate and liberate ourselves mentally; we need to climb our way out just as gradually - through 49 rungs of the omer. Those 49 days have a dual identity that's really 2 sides of the same coin: the 49 days of the ripening of the wheat (which ftr, is the kabbalistic icon for chochmah) parallel the step-by-step rectification of every one of the permutations of the emotional sefirot. The culmination of our ripening/refinement (and what allows us to return to the world of chametz) is Shavuot.

In the Bais haMikdash, none of the flour-based sacrifices were permitted to be chametz, and no fruit juice was allowed to be mixed in to any of the sacrifices. According to the Kli Yakar, one of the reasons for this is that chametz and fruit represent Ego and Pleasure, respectively – the two things that Man lacks the objectivity to use to serve G-d. (In this simple statement he summarizes volumes of kabbalistic concepts that were expounded by the Chasidic masters.) Except - on Shavuot. The two things banished from the Bais haMikdash 364 days a year are what constitute the components of the main Shavuot sacrifice: two chametz loaves of bread and the first fruits.

Two things enable Man to turn Ego into a sacrifice, and Pleasure into G-dly delight: examining every facet of my attitude towards the world (over 49 days) and a conscious commitment to Torah (which crowns the previous process). That commitment enables me to transform any physical thing into a vehicle for service of G-d.

Now we can understand why Shavuot lacks mitzvot – it is the day of the perfect fusion of the physical and spiritual. There is no more tension, no more separation. The physical proactively and pleasurably serves as a vehicle for the spiritual, after all the barriers (klipot) have been cleaned out. The physical proclaims "naaseh ve'nishma" (we will do and we will listen) - in the physical world! We do not require commandments to help us harness the conflicting energies of physical versus spiritual (this is one of the mitzvot's functions). More than that: now we can serve through minhag – which is an expression of our initiative in the relationship with Hashem.(P.S. The megila of the day – Ruth - carries this idea. This is why Ruth has to initiate the relationship with Boaz, hamayvin yavin.)

Next installment: I will be taking a look at Shavuot from the halachic lens, just not from a place of detailed ritual. Just as Shavuot forced us to look at it in context, in order to grasp its significance, so too we need to zoom out and take a look at what constitutes a woman's relationship to Torah study.

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פרק #1: שבועות הינו יעד

כאשר ישבתי להקליד את השאלות לגבי הלכות חג השבועות בשביל הרב ויינר, מצאתי את עצמי בוהה במסך המחשב. רגע, אז מה לשאול? נו? חוץ מלהימנע ממלאכה כמו בכל שבת ויו"ט? חייבת להיות מצווה מיוחדת ליום נשגב זה, נכון? המשכתי לבהות. נו, תחשבי! ביום שאנו חוגגים קבלת עשרת הדיברות ו613 מצוות, אין מצווה אחת?!  מה ההיגיון?!

אנחנו חייבים לקחת כמה צעדים אחורה ולהסתכל על שבועות ממעוף הציפור כדי להבין היגיון זה.

שבועות הוא החג הכי מוזר לוח שנה היהודי, לדעתי. בוא נתחיל אם זה שאין לא תאריך. כל שאר החגים, ה' מצווה עלינו בדיוק מתי לחגוג. אבל לא כן שבועות שכל מה שנאמר בחומש לגביו זה שהוא יוצא 50 יום אחרי יום ראשון של פסח, מתי שזה לא יוצא. זאת אומרת שהתאריך משתנה – תלוי כמה ימים יש בכל חודש. בחודשים שיש 29 ימים זה יכול לצאת בה' סיון - או ב-ו' או ז' אם יש חודשים של 30 יום! וזה מטורף! הרי איך יעלה על הדעת שאנו לא זוכרים ומזכירים את היום החשוב הזה – יום שבו ה' התגלה לעם שלם ונתן לנו את התורה?! זה לא נתפס!

עובדה זו כבר רומזת לנו לגבי מהותו של חג השבועות. זה היום ה-50 של העומר. זו מהות החג.

כדי להבין את זה, אנו חייבות להבין את משמעותה של אמירה זו, ובשביל זה אנחנו חייבות לשאול את השאלה הבאה: אם חמץ הינו גאווה/מהות-הרשע, כפי שגדולי החסידות טוענים, אז איך ייתכן שזה כשר/מותר שאר השנה?!

 

כניסה מחדש לפני החזרה

כל אחד ואחת רצים מיד אחרי סיום חג הפסח לחפש את הביס של חמץ שהיה הכי חסר לו/לה כל השבוע, בין אם זה משולש פיצה או בייגל או בורקס. אבל כעם, אנחנו חוזרים ל"חמץ" בהדרגתיות – במודע או לא. זה חלק ממשמעותה של ספירת העומר.

חז"ל אמרו שלפני יציאת מצרים, בנ"י ירדו במ"ט שערי טומאה. זאת אומרת: תודעתם שקעה בתוך מרכיבי הגלות; לאט לאט הם הסתנוורו מהגלות (רגשית וגשמית). אחרי יצי"מ, למרות שיצאנו ממצרים, עדיין היינו צריכים להוציא את התודעה שלנו ממצרים/מיצרים. כפי שירדנו בהדרגתיות, כך גם אנחנו חייבים לצאת בהדרגתיות על ידי 49 שלבי העומר. ל49 ימים אלו יש זהות כפולה שזה בעצם 2 צדדים של אותו מטבע: 49 ימים שלוקח לאביב (שמו הרשמי של צמח חטה לא בשל) להפוך לחטה בשלה (וכידוע, חטה מסמלת אצל חכמי הסוד ספירת החכמה) מקבילים לשלבי תיקון 7 ספירות הרגשיות (חסד עד מלכות). השיא של תהליך ההבשלה/תיקון (ושמאפשר חזרתנו לחמץ) זה חג השבועות.

חל איסור מוחלט על הכנסת חמץ ומיץ פירות לבית המקדש; אף קרבן הנעשה מקמח (כגון לחם הפנים או מנחות) היה חמץ, והיה אסור לערבב לתוכו מיץ פירות (שמן היה מותר). הפירושו 'כלי יקר,' רב אפרים מלונשיץ מסביר שזה מפני שחמץ ופירות מסמלים את 2 הדברים שבן-אדם אינו יכול לרסן ולהקריב לקב"ה – הגאווה שלו (חמץ) ותענוגו (פירות). חוץ מבחג השבועות! שני הדברים האסורים בכל מכל 364 ימי השנה בביהמ"ק - דווקא הם מהווים הקרבנות העיקריים של חג השבועות: שתי חלות חמץ והביכורים. איך ייתכן?!

 

שני דברים מאפשרים לבן אדם להקריב את גאוותו ולהפוך את תענוגו לעונג א-לוקי: התבוננות בכל (49) הזויות של היחס שלי לעוה"ז (על פני 49 ימים) ומחויבות לתורה (שדבר זה מכתיר את התהליך הנ"ל). המחויבות לתורה מאפשרת לי להעלות כל דבר גשמי ולהשתמש בו לשרת אל ה' ית'.

עכשיו אפשר קצת להבין למה ה' לא היה צריך לתת לנו מצוות לציין את חג השבועות – זה היום של ההתמזגות המושלמת בין הגשמי לרוחני. נעלמו המתח והפירוד בין עולמות אלו. הגשמיות בוחרת לשמש מרכבה לרוחני בחדווה, אחרי הסרת כל המחיצות/קליפות בימי ספירת העומר. הגשמיות מכריזה "נעשה ונשמע" - בעוה"ז ממש. יותר מזה – עכשיו הדרך לעבוד את ה' היא דווקא על ידי מנהגים – שמסמלים את יוזמתינו בקשר עם ה'. (דרך אגב: חז"ל בחרו את מגילת רות לייצג את שבועות ועכשיו אפשר להבין למה רות חייבת ליזום את הקשר עם בועז ולא לחכות שהוא יציע... והמבין יבין.)

בפרק הבא בע"ה: נסתכל על שבועות מעדשה הלכתית אבל לא במובן של מצוות מעשיות-מפורטות. כמו שהיינו צריכות לעשות "זום" אחורה ולהסתכל על שבועות בקונטקסט יותר רחב כדי לתפוס את משמעותו, כך נצטרך להסתכל על מהות מצוות לימוד תורה ביחס לנשים, כדי להבין מה משמעות חג השבועות לנשים, למעשה.

Final Installment #5: Happy. Birth. Day.

B"H, I started this on the Rebbe Rashab's yahrtzeit and am now finishing, on our Rebbe's birthday. Today's Hayom Yom says: "On the day of one's birthday, a person should "lehitboded," (=make time to be secluded in order to contemplate/be introspective) and bring up his memories and contemplate them (u'lehitbonen bahem), and those requiring rectification and repentance, he should repent/return and rectify them." This perfectly summarizes what I wanted to tell you about motherhood in these days.  

One of the things I wish someone had told me about motherhood was how “unproductive” you become (ironic, I know). I wish someone told me that it’s ok and even natural to slow down when you have small children at home. I spent many years being miserable; feeling like I was letting everyone down. I spent almost 20 years mentally berating myself for laziness (“you didn’t wash the floor!” “they’re having cereal for dinner?!”), nastiness (“you snapped at X!”) and apathy (“you didn’t ask Y how his day was!”) and other crimes, when all I really was, was just tired and over-extended. Between pregnancy, nursing and generally taking care of munchkins, plus working and still being in school (bachelors and masters) my life was a blur where all I wanted was sleep. Survival mode.

A young mom at Mayanot asked me recently “how do you do it all?!” and I told her “I don’t. Something's gotta give.” Those "somethings" are not failures but sacrifices. There isn't a manual telling us what to prioritize, since for every woman it will be different. One woman gets a lot out of a weekly manicure and for another woman it does nothing. But the key to sanity – both physical and spiritual - is that every woman needs to make time to reconnect with her ratzon (=will). Sometimes that's the best use of a babysitter – to have time to go somewhere where you have quiet (le'hitboded) and just taking inventory – where am I? What am I feeling – the whole list! What can I do for myself right now? (Le'hitbonen...) (And btw, write it all down. Once you get mom-brain, you remember nothing. And no, there is nothing wrong with you - it comes with the stretchmark territory.)

The soul-crushing experience I spoke about in Installment #1 is what happens when we don't do this for extended periods of time. Just like when you ask your child to do something calmly 1 time, 2 times, 5 times. After being ignored, then you have to yell, right? So it's the same except the soul is the parent and we're the children. That soul-crushing feeling is her yelling saying "why are you ignoring me?! What I'm telling you is important!!" It doesn't have to be long, complicated, drawn-out or expensive – it just needs to be prioritized. 

Along with all of that, the thing we need to prioritize (outside of ourselves) is bonding with the kids. (Where shalom bayis fits into all of this is a parsha unto itself. Be"H…) Finding ways to nurture our kids is the most important thing we will ever do in our lives, despite what society claims. When I talk about nurturing, I don't mean making sure they're eating well-balanced diets (even though of course that too is important). I mean taking time to hand the baby over to someone else and sitting with one particular kid (at a time, if you are truly blessed) and making them feel seen. Listening to them - without jumping in with judging statements or solutions (or only if they ask). Sharing with them - something that made you laugh, or inspired you. Reminding them - how special they are to us, regardless of their achievements or failings. And then making time to tickle the baby and sing to him/her, not just change/feed/bathe and get it over with.  

All of this is not just for the kids’ benefit but predominantly for ours. I cannot even begin to tell you how much my kids forced me - just by being born - to work on my midos, aka becoming a real person. My awful temper got a reality check; my ability for compassion stretched while I learned to stop pitying. My ability to understand Torah (when I was awake enough) grew exponentially. I could go on and on. I literally shudder when I remember the person I was before I became their mother. I will never, EVER be able to express my gratitude to them adequately.

This is why the modern age attitude absolutely kills me; it robbed Motherhood of its proper esteem and honor. "Oh, you're JUST taking care of kids…" What?!!!! REALLY?!!! Sustaining and molding the future of another human, who is a whole world unto him/herself, is a trivial task in their eyes?!! Are they insane?!!

There would LITERALLY be no Moshe Rabeinu without Yocheved (and Miriam - see the story in Masechet Sotah 12a-b) there would be no David HaMelech without Nitzevet and there would be no Rebbe without Rebbetzin Chana! And on and on, throughout Jewish history. The Talmud is replete with story after detailed story, of how one mother’s nurturing built a compassionate and powerful leader. (P.S. each of our children grow up to be a leader in their own social circles at the very least.) So when we feel that we are "just" taking care of the kids, we need to take a good hard look at where this (messed-up) framing and perception comes from – from truth or artificial sources.

That said, it's not all or nothing. So many women today genuinely feel, from the depths of their soul, a thirst for things that are more obviously spiritual. This shouldn't be surprising considering that many sources (and most vocally and explicitly, our Rebbe) already spoke about the unique nature of Jewish women today. Our Rebbe said (sicha erev Lag B'omer 1990) that very lofty female souls are coming into the world who need to learn, etc. (This is aside from the fact that he stated unflinchingly that women of this generation are a reincarnation of the women who left Egypt and by extension, the women who received the Torah on Har Sinai. See https://www.facebook.com/JEMDailyVideo/videos/2313072595645022/)

We are the generation of balance. It's not all or nothing. It's not chesed or gevura – it's rachamim/tiferes. It's not career-woman or homemaker. It's also not about super-woman; it's about prioritization. Shlomo HaMelech said it (Kohelet ch. 3) best: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven... A time to plant; a time to pluck that which is planted… A time to keep; a time to cast away…" and so on and so forth.

When they are little, treasure this relatively short time. Now is not a time for sushi in the shape of mini-swans for dinner. Later, there will be time for that, if it makes you happy. Now is a time to finger paint (stop being self-conscious, this is not getting displayed at the Met!) and make scrambled eggs for dinner. Now is a time to belly-laugh at knock-knock jokes (20 times…) and be"H, later will be a time for DMC's and maybe even chavrusa, if you are truly blessed. But in order to be able to do that, you need to make time for what YOU NEED. And in order to pull that off, you need to make time to figure out WHAT you need. I found that when I made time for that process, everything else fell into place because I was able to be present (and not resentful) wherever I was. 

So I leave off with a happy birthday wish. Happy birthday to the Rebbe ob"m. Happy birthday to us, as a nation – this Friday night be"H. Happy birthday to each one of us – Nisan is the Rosh Hashana for the Jewish people. May we merit to BEGIN. AGAIN. NOW. May the Pesach seder (=order) help us organize our minds, our hearts, our time and our space. And I bless all of us to shep nachas from our children, our husbands and mostly – ourselves. Le'chayim ve'livrocho!!!!

Installment #4: Tachlis Tips for Leil HaSeder – PART II

B. Leil HaSeder Itself

I noticed these issues over the years, and honestly, there are more but I gotta follow my own advice and K.I.S.S. If you have others to add, please drop me a line.

Issue #1. Mommy exhaustion: See #4 pt. I. If the all-elusive sleep didn't happen then remember this:

Tip: I say this with all the love and sympathy in the world - understand that this phase will pass; it doesn't last forever even though it feels like it does in real time. We actually spend the vast majority (at least 3/4) of our lives not in this mode, so put that in perspective. Most of your life will be "normal" - Hashem is asking you to sacrifice these years (# of years = depends on how many kids you have) when the munchkins are little. See installment #5 and the next segment for more on this.

Issue #2. The Frustration of Juggling

-juggling the kids needs (physical needs, fights, boredom, etc)

-juggling my needs - physical and spiritual

-juggling guests, entertaining

So now ironically we have reached the apex of what Pesach is all about, on several levels. We think that this issue is 1 but really it’s 2 issues  - the juggling AND frustration. They do not have to go together! The interesting thing is that it’s something that haunts a woman throughout the year, but somehow on the holidays, the feeling is exacerbated. And this issue also happens to be the very essence of Pesach.

I noticed that 2 things caused juggling to feel frustrating:

1. technically: feeling torn in multiple directions and feeling like each of your pieces is falling through the cracks. You're failing at everything and getting nothing accomplished, obviously.

2. Even if things are ok (dinner didn’t get burned, the baby didn't spit up again, the kids are not fighting over stupidity) women tend to be tormented by this perpetual, tacit feeling of discontent. Why?!

Factor 1: is fairly straightforward.

Tip: As the song goes “Mama said there'd be days like this…” When things get messed up, we need to find the inner strength to laugh it off and go to plan B, C, D… in the moment it feels like the end of the world but you will look back on this and that alone is a consolation. But there's another level to it: it's a question of perception; the feeling that I'm a failure (not necessarily a reality). This leads us to…

…Factor 2: An alumna asked me why she feels furious whenever she feels limited/restricted (not by halacha but by the demands of family life). This overlaps somewhat with the next segment, but I've decided to address them separately.

As with everything, there are multiple angles. Unfortunately, I can’t sort it all out now but 1 BIG part of what's frustrating about limitations is lack of presence. Let me explain. Mommies tend NOT to be present; whatever they are doing, their brain is always chattering away, very subtly, saying "I'm here, but do you know what I'm missing and what I'm NOT doing?!!" (This has to do with a woman’s unique relationship with gevura/discipline and I hope to deal with this in #5.) "I'm feeding the baby but the laundry is sitting on my bed waiting to be folded and put away, and X and Y and Z…"

Tip: When you are present in the moment fully (turn off the voice that says "but...") then you are free because nothing is lacking/wrong in the moment. You are succeeding because you are doing what you are supposed to be doing.

So for example: when you are reading to your kids and you're thinking "ugh, I'd rather be at the seder," you'll be resentful of reading to the kids. But... if you are aware of the importance of reading to them and focus on that, then that mitigates some of the anger. (See the next segment for the other angle of this issue.) Do we ever really allow ourselves to just be in the moment we're in and do that one task? (Multi-tasking is highly overrated and the technological revolution has made things worse, from this perspective.) Do we ever consciously shut up that voice who constantly points out our shortcomings?

The Pesach Connection #1: If you can recall, what we are combatting on Pesach (other than chametz) is the oppression of limitation. (NOTE: not limitation itself, but experiencing the oppressive side of it). The Sages say Egypt/Mitzrayim represents feeling trapped “in narrow straits” (meitzarim in Hebrew), which spiritually-speaking means letting the limitations get you down. So when we feel that oppressive constriction - it is an invitation to leave Egypt consciously. How do we do that? By consciously choosing our reaction to the moment. I can prioritize and own my choices, without guilt or self-doubt. Without that choice, I end up feeling "acted upon" and/or "helpless." That is exactly slave mentality – seeing oneself as an object with no autonomy. Being free is being present – aka: connected to your will.

This leads us to...

Issue #3. FOMO - Another thing I've heard from women (and experienced myself) is feeling embittered at being left out; wanting so badly to be part of the adult conversation, and not pretending a spoon of mushed carrots is an airplane.

Tip #1: You have to figure out what does give you a sense of meaning/significance (something doable - specific part of the seder? ftr, I've done this with Rosh Hashana davening – choosing what part I want to be in shul for) and then find a way to actualize it. (Does it need to be said that your husband should be a willing helper in making that happen?!)

BUT do not automatically define one mode of spirituality as ideal and superior. Who says that my reading the hagada by myself is less beloved in Hashem's eyes than the discussion going on at the table? It feels less important – but like many of our other feelings, they do not necessarily reflect reality. (Certainly not the spiritual one.)

Tip #2: I don't know if this is so practical but if it's relevant to you - read the hagada outloud while feeding/nursing the baby. The baby will understand; his/her soul will understand.

Important note: I know there is a trend in western culture encouraging women to nurse fully exposed. This is flagrantly against halacha. Breasts ARE erva (no, erva does not mean shameful or dirty – it just means that it is not something mundane and can only be revealed under certain circumstances) and EVERY human is not allowed to learn Torah or daven when an erva body part if visible. Cover up in a cozy way and use the nursing to not just feed your baby's body but his/her soul as well (and yours obviously).

The Pesach Connection #2:

Notice that the dominant feeling many women feel seder night is bitterness… this is not arbitrary for that is the natural reaction to confinement. The maror represents the bitterness of Egyptian slavery – of being oppressed by the confinement. And what are we celebrating? That we left Egypt for Eretz Yisrael – a land described in the Chumash as the opposite of Egypt! Instead of narrow straits, we say in bentsching every day "eretz tova u'rechava…" the good and wide land. Not only that – it is the land of milk and honey!

It's ironic to point of being hilarious – the tiny strip of land called Eretz Yisrael is the wide (what?!) and (therefore) sweet land while huge Egypt is the place of bitterness and constriction… and that's the point. The geographical/physical reality has nothing to do with our reality/experience. Our reality is what we choose. That is Yetzias Mitzrayim incarnate. (Ftr, don't go trying to explain this to your toddler. Wait at least until s/he's 5 y.o. LOL.)

P.S. Don’t forget to skim Magid on Shabbat HaGadol. Other than being a prevalent custom in Am Yisrael, it is a fantastic way to get ready for Pesach.

Installment #4: Tachlis Tips for Leil HaSeder – PART I

First off we need acknowledge that there are really 2 challenges:

A. erev Pesach       B. leil haseder

And the first sets tone for second.  (This ended up becoming long so I've split this into 2 diff posts for readability.)

A. Erev Pesach

Just like a car without gas simply cannot go, people who are tired and hungry cannot pay attention. Or as Chasidus would explain it, when the animal soul doesn’t have its basic needs met, it makes a lot of noise thereby drowning out the G-dly soul’s voice. There are 4 major challenges before seder night (obviously there could be more but i’m oversimplifying on purpose).

Issue #1. Running behind schedule. This is a wider discussion that I can't tackle this year.

Tip: What I will say is this (for next year imy"H, or even for the next yomtov): the most important tool that exists for Jewish mothers is google calendar. Look, think and plan ahead (and when you write it down/type it up - you don’t need to remember, it will remind you). That said, there's only so far this works when you have kids. Like when you have to run to get your child stitches 4 hours before a 2 day yomtov. Been there, done that… But as much as humanly possible, look ahead.

Issue #2. Assuming you're not running behind and you're switched over and cooking: having people (kids, guests, etc and this includes YOU) wandering around hungry. Hungry kids also get into mischief. And it's annoying because there are many food restrictions erev pesach: no matza or chametz, (and for Ashkenazim – no kitniyot) - it doesn't leave a lot of options. So when planning your shabbos and yomtov cooking, always plan something for erev chag. As Rebbetzin Esther Greenberg ob”m said "Friday is not one of the 6 fast days." Ok, very nice, but what to do?

Tip #1: if you don't already own one, go out and buy a 16L pot for Pesach. (And eventually, one for the rest of the year too.)

Either 1st thing in the morning or even late the night before, throw in a whole chicken (at least) and tons of veggies and make a giant chicken soup. Anytime someone is hungry - they can help themselves to something filling and healthy. If you're up to something extra: defrost about a kilo (2 lbs) of ground turkey/chicken/meat/whatever and ask someone to roll them into balls and toss them into the soup (only when the soup is already cooked and boiling).

Ftr – if you eat matzo balls, then you can do that instead. If you don't, the chicken "matzo" balls add so much to the soup. If you like them dense, just add 1 small egg per kilo. If you like them fluffy, add a little mashed potatoes into the chopped meat and egg mixture, and mix well. If the soup doesn't get finished erev chag, voila. You already have your soup done for yomtov, with accompaniment.

Tip #2: I beg and plead all of you - when you're a mommy, always follow the K.I.S.S. rule: keep it short and simple. Ignore Mishpacha and all the magazines with intricate recipes. One pot, one pan, one bowl recipes are your friend. If you have any extra time because you kept it simple, take a nap or do something else that's fun/important (yes, sleeping is FUUUNNN).  

Issue #3. Mommy exhaustion: does this need explanation??

Tip: If you keep it simple and are blessed to not run behind, schedule time to nap - for you and the kids - before the seder. It probably won't work out because: the baby is teething, has an ear-infection, the toddler woke him up, etc etc. But some years it will! And those years will be awesoooome! Been there, done that too :) If you can't fall asleep, just lying in bed for 15 minutes breathing deeply, really letting yourself let go and let G-d, can be just as rejuvenating as a long nap.

Issue #4. The kids won't nap: Sometimes those little brains are racing with ideas or they’re just super-excited for Pesach or they have something on their minds that’s worrying them. Either way they can’t settle down and it causes 1 of 2 things to happen: either they miss seder altogether cuz they fall asleep at the beginning OR are crabby throughout.

Tip: I have yet to figure out this one. I have bribed, threatened, cuddled, you name it. Only thing I haven't tried (and hopefully never will) is drugging them. If you find something (legal) that works, share it. I will say that when you have just a baby, the rule is “sleep when the baby sleeps.” Outsource as much as possible (although that often isn't possible). When the kids are older, I have a fantastic trick that I use that works for every age child over 4-5 y.o. Be”H, will share it in the future.

Bottom Line: Basically, the more physical factors get taken care of, the more room that frees up for the spiritual. This is something we’ve forgotten: the physical can’t exclusively be “the enemy” of the spiritual (it’s not) because the spiritual needs the physical to manifest - the soul has NO expression without the body.

The only time the physical literally becomes the enemy of the spiritual is when they are confused as to who is the vehicle and who is the driver. The animal soul is perfectly happy being the vehicle IF:

a) the G-dly soul is driving and

b) we are not asking the animal to run on empty.

As we will see tomorrow Be”H, our greatest enemy in this particular battle is Time and our perception of it. When we win that battle, minute to minute and even second to second, that changes not only what our Pesach looks like but what the rest of the year looks like. And that is Pesach’s role by definition. TBC...