B"H, I started this on the Rebbe Rashab's yahrtzeit
and am now finishing, on our Rebbe's birthday. Today's Hayom Yom says: "On
the day of one's birthday, a person should "lehitboded," (=make
time to be secluded in order to contemplate/be introspective) and bring up his
memories and contemplate them (u'lehitbonen bahem), and those requiring
rectification and repentance, he should repent/return and rectify them."
This perfectly summarizes what I wanted to tell you about motherhood in these
days.
One of the things I wish someone had told me about
motherhood was how “unproductive” you become (ironic, I know). I wish someone
told me that it’s ok and even natural to slow down when you have small children
at home. I spent many years being miserable; feeling like I was letting
everyone down. I spent almost 20 years mentally berating myself for laziness
(“you didn’t wash the floor!” “they’re having cereal for dinner?!”), nastiness
(“you snapped at X!”) and apathy (“you didn’t ask Y how his day was!”) and
other crimes, when all I really was, was just tired and over-extended. Between
pregnancy, nursing and generally taking care of munchkins, plus working and
still being in school (bachelors and masters) my life was a blur where all I
wanted was sleep. Survival mode.
A young mom at Mayanot asked me recently “how do you do
it all?!” and I told her “I don’t. Something's gotta give.” Those
"somethings" are not failures but sacrifices. There isn't a manual
telling us what to prioritize, since for every woman it will be different. One
woman gets a lot out of a weekly manicure and for another woman it does
nothing. But the key to sanity – both physical and spiritual - is that every
woman needs to make time to reconnect with her ratzon (=will). Sometimes
that's the best use of a babysitter – to have time to go somewhere where you
have quiet (le'hitboded) and just taking inventory – where am I? What am
I feeling – the whole list! What can I do for myself right now? (Le'hitbonen...)
(And btw, write it all down. Once you get mom-brain, you remember
nothing. And no, there is nothing wrong with you - it comes with the
stretchmark territory.)
The soul-crushing experience I spoke about in Installment
#1 is what happens when we don't do this for extended periods of time. Just
like when you ask your child to do something calmly 1 time, 2 times, 5 times.
After being ignored, then you have to yell, right? So it's the same except the
soul is the parent and we're the children. That soul-crushing feeling is her
yelling saying "why are you ignoring me?! What I'm telling you is
important!!" It doesn't have to be long, complicated, drawn-out or
expensive – it just needs to be prioritized.
Along with all of that, the thing we need to prioritize
(outside of ourselves) is bonding with the kids. (Where shalom bayis
fits into all of this is a parsha unto itself. Be"H…) Finding ways
to nurture our kids is the most important thing we will ever do in our lives,
despite what society claims. When I talk about nurturing, I don't mean making
sure they're eating well-balanced diets (even though of course that too is
important). I mean taking time to hand the baby over to someone else and
sitting with one particular kid (at a time, if you are truly blessed) and
making them feel seen. Listening to them - without jumping in with
judging statements or solutions (or only if they ask). Sharing with them -
something that made you laugh, or inspired you. Reminding them - how special
they are to us, regardless of their achievements or failings. And then making
time to tickle the baby and sing to him/her, not just change/feed/bathe and get
it over with.
All of this is not just for the kids’ benefit but
predominantly for ours. I cannot even begin to tell you how much my kids
forced me - just by being born - to work on my midos, aka becoming a
real person. My awful temper got a reality check; my ability for compassion
stretched while I learned to stop pitying. My ability to understand Torah (when
I was awake enough) grew exponentially. I could go on and on. I literally
shudder when I remember the person I was before I became their mother. I will
never, EVER be able to express my gratitude to them adequately.
This is why the modern age attitude absolutely kills me;
it robbed Motherhood of its proper esteem and honor. "Oh, you're JUST
taking care of kids…" What?!!!! REALLY?!!! Sustaining and molding
the future of another human, who is a whole world unto him/herself, is a
trivial task in their eyes?!! Are they insane?!!
There would LITERALLY be no Moshe Rabeinu without
Yocheved (and Miriam - see the story in Masechet Sotah 12a-b) there
would be no David HaMelech without Nitzevet and there would be no Rebbe without
Rebbetzin Chana! And on and on, throughout Jewish history. The Talmud is
replete with story after detailed story, of how one mother’s nurturing built
a compassionate and powerful leader. (P.S. each of our children grow up
to be a leader in their own social circles at the very least.) So when we feel
that we are "just" taking care of the kids, we need to take a good
hard look at where this (messed-up) framing and perception comes from – from
truth or artificial sources.
That said, it's not all or nothing. So many women today
genuinely feel, from the depths of their soul, a thirst for things that are
more obviously spiritual. This shouldn't be surprising considering that many
sources (and most vocally and explicitly, our Rebbe) already spoke about the
unique nature of Jewish women today. Our Rebbe said (sicha erev Lag B'omer
1990) that very lofty female souls are coming into the world who need to learn,
etc. (This is aside from the fact that he stated unflinchingly that women of
this generation are a reincarnation of the women who left Egypt and by
extension, the women who received the Torah on Har Sinai. See
https://www.facebook.com/JEMDailyVideo/videos/2313072595645022/)
We are the generation of balance. It's not all or
nothing. It's not chesed or gevura – it's rachamim/tiferes.
It's not career-woman or homemaker. It's also not about super-woman; it's about
prioritization. Shlomo HaMelech said it (Kohelet ch. 3) best: "To
every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...
A time to plant; a time to pluck that which is planted… A time to keep; a time
to cast away…" and so on and so forth.
When they are little, treasure this relatively short
time. Now is not a time for sushi in the shape of mini-swans for dinner. Later,
there will be time for that, if it makes you happy. Now is a time to finger
paint (stop being self-conscious, this is not getting displayed at the Met!)
and make scrambled eggs for dinner. Now is a time to belly-laugh at knock-knock
jokes (20 times…) and be"H, later will be a time for DMC's and maybe even chavrusa,
if you are truly blessed. But in order to be able to do that, you need to make
time for what YOU NEED. And in order to pull that off, you need to make time to
figure out WHAT you need. I found that when I made time for that process,
everything else fell into place because I was able to be present (and
not resentful) wherever I was.
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