The Challenges:
The hardships come from different directions and
obviously I can't cover all of them. Whether you have a child or children with
special needs (any kind). Or multiples. Or health (mental and/or physical)
problems. Any stresser - the list is endless and impacts each issue uniquely
and considerably. I'm going to just address the most basic, common denominator
issues that are child-age-related.
I don't feel a need to go into the 4 cups and eating
matza issues because a) Rabbonim address these issues all the time and b) it's
not an issue that's unique to women per se. Barring specific health issues it's
pretty straightforward. The halacha is identical for men and women - both are
obligated to consume the prescribed quantities. The thing that tends to be the
most challenging part of leil haseder for mommies is the hagada. It's also the
issue that is not dealt with by Rabbonim.
Nobody talks about how to fulfill the mitzvah or –
spoiler alert: MITZVOS – connected to reading the hagada. How to get through it
when you can't keep your eyes open. And even if you could stay awake long
enough, "getting into it," being part of a discussion, can be almost
impossible when you're ducking in and out of the seder because you are
"being paged" minute to minute. Your baby/toddler/preschooler/etc
doesn't care that it's seder night - they need to be nursed/diaper-change/potty/bored/tired/etc
etc. And all that's aside from hosting and keeping the seder going
logistically.
So let's break this down:
1st and foremost, if anyone other than an Israeli is
reading the hagada in Hebrew – just stop. There are certain verbal-audio
mitzvos that need to be said/heard in Hebrew but hagada is not one of them. Say
it in the language that you are most comfortable with.
2nd of all: The hagada is a vehicle for 2 mitzvos:
a) "ve'higadeta le'bincha" – relating the story
of the exodus to one's children. P.S. this is the primary mitzvah of the night.
b) saying the actual text.
When one reads the hagada with say, an older child who is
able to understand the text, then you fulfill both mitzvos with one act.
However, the halacha is that the Exodus story must be conveyed to each child
"according to his capacity" (lefi kocho). That means that a baby,
toddler and pre-schooler need to be taught differently than a teenager.
A woman is chayav (=obligated) in BOTH mitzvos. If she
has children that are able to sit at the table and listen to their father tell
the story, she can be yotzeh (=considered having fulfilled the mitzvah) through
her husband's recitation, because she and her husband are one. (To all the
single parents out there, I see you and you're amazing. You're doing the best
you possibly can and whatever you do is precious.) However if the child(ren) is
not at the table, then she has to individually tell that child the Exodus story
in a way that the child can understand – in order to fulfill her mitzvah of
"ve'higadeta le'bincha."
It's all about seeing each child and binding them
individually to the Jewish people. That's why there are 4 sons (well, 5 but you
know…) and many other details creating room for each child to find his place at
the table and within the nation. In Judaism we believe that a person receives 2
Torahs (see Mishlei/Proverbs by Shlomo HaMelech): a father's Torah and a
mother's Torah ("Toras Imecha").
A woman is also obligated to say the words of the hagada.
[Be"H, I'll see if I can find the time to write up why.] If she is
(BLESSED to be) busy being on call, taking care of the children, then she is
exempt from sitting at the seder and saying it together with everyone. She can
say the text anytime throughout the night, until dawn. (The mitzvah is only in
the night.)
The reason she is exempt is due of the rule of "asuk
be'mitzvah, patur mi'mitzvah" – meaning: if I am busy with one mitzvah,
then I am exempt from another mitzvah that needs to be performed at the same
time. (This concept is a general rule, for men and women, applied in different
situations.) Rabbi Winer wrote (translated from the Hebrew) "if she can
read or hear the hagada, she is obligated to do so. But if she was busy with a
different mitzvah at that time, such as feeding the children, tending to them,
preparing food, etc then she is considered 'asuk be'mitzvah, patur mi'mitzvah.'
Obviously, if the opportunity arises to say the rest of the hagada – then she
should do so."
So what that means is, when you are feeding your child
(whether that is nursing, or whatever) you are fulfilling a mitzvah. What that
mitzvah is - I want to take a look at in Installment #5 be"H. It is no
different than giving tzedaka or keeping kosher etc etc. It is another mitzvah.
So too listening to your child and/or playing with them, and doing anything
else to nurture them and raise them ("tending to them"). There is
much to be said about how women feel about being given mitzvos such as these
and I will tackle that also in #5 be"H.
If I could summarize the difference between a man's
service of G-d, versus a woman's: man's service is communal/social versus a
woman's is intimate/personal. Given that the genders are different (shocking, I
know) they have different elements to rectify and the mitzvos are tailor-made
given their default-settings, for better or worse. That means: to push them out
of their comfort zone when necessary and to take their innate powers to the
next level, when called for.
Next installment be"H: tachlis tips for erev pesach
to make leil haseder go smoother.
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