B. Leil HaSeder Itself
I noticed these issues over the years, and honestly,
there are more but I gotta follow my own advice and K.I.S.S. If you have others
to add, please drop me a line.
Issue #1. Mommy exhaustion: See #4 pt. I. If the
all-elusive sleep didn't happen then remember this:
Tip: I say this with all the love and sympathy in the
world - understand that this phase will pass; it doesn't last forever even
though it feels like it does in real time. We actually spend the vast majority
(at least 3/4) of our lives not in this mode, so put that in perspective. Most
of your life will be "normal" - Hashem is asking you to sacrifice
these years (# of years = depends on how many kids you have) when the munchkins
are little. See installment #5 and the next segment for more on this.
Issue #2. The Frustration of Juggling
-juggling the kids needs (physical needs, fights,
boredom, etc)
-juggling my needs - physical and spiritual
-juggling guests, entertaining
So now ironically we have reached the apex of what Pesach
is all about, on several levels. We think that this issue is 1 but really it’s
2 issues - the juggling AND frustration. They do not have to go together!
The interesting thing is that it’s something that haunts a woman throughout the
year, but somehow on the holidays, the feeling is exacerbated. And this issue
also happens to be the very essence of Pesach.
I noticed that 2 things caused juggling to feel
frustrating:
1. technically: feeling torn in multiple directions and
feeling like each of your pieces is falling through the cracks. You're failing
at everything and getting nothing accomplished, obviously.
2. Even if things are ok (dinner didn’t get burned, the
baby didn't spit up again, the kids are not fighting over stupidity) women tend
to be tormented by this perpetual, tacit feeling of discontent. Why?!
Factor 1: is fairly straightforward.
Tip: As the song goes “Mama said there'd be days like
this…” When things get messed up, we need to find the inner strength to laugh
it off and go to plan B, C, D… in the moment it feels like the end of the world
but you will look back on this and that alone is a consolation. But there's
another level to it: it's a question of perception; the feeling that I'm a
failure (not necessarily a reality). This leads us to…
…Factor 2: An alumna asked me why she feels furious
whenever she feels limited/restricted (not by halacha but by the demands of
family life). This overlaps somewhat with the next segment, but I've decided to
address them separately.
As with everything, there are multiple angles.
Unfortunately, I can’t sort it all out now but 1 BIG part of what's frustrating
about limitations is lack of presence. Let me explain. Mommies tend NOT to be
present; whatever they are doing, their brain is always chattering away, very
subtly, saying "I'm here, but do you know what I'm missing and what I'm
NOT doing?!!" (This has to do with a woman’s unique relationship with
gevura/discipline and I hope to deal with this in #5.) "I'm feeding the
baby but the laundry is sitting on my bed waiting to be folded and put away,
and X and Y and Z…"
Tip: When you are present in the moment fully (turn off
the voice that says "but...") then you are free because nothing is lacking/wrong
in the moment. You are succeeding because you are doing what you are supposed
to be doing.
So for example: when you are reading to your kids and
you're thinking "ugh, I'd rather be at the seder," you'll be
resentful of reading to the kids. But... if you are aware of the importance of
reading to them and focus on that, then that mitigates some of the anger. (See
the next segment for the other angle of this issue.) Do we ever really allow
ourselves to just be in the moment we're in and do that one task?
(Multi-tasking is highly overrated and the technological revolution has made
things worse, from this perspective.) Do we ever consciously shut up that voice
who constantly points out our shortcomings?
The Pesach Connection #1: If you can recall, what we are
combatting on Pesach (other than chametz) is the oppression of limitation.
(NOTE: not limitation itself, but experiencing the oppressive side of it). The
Sages say Egypt/Mitzrayim represents feeling trapped “in narrow straits”
(meitzarim in Hebrew), which spiritually-speaking means letting the limitations
get you down. So when we feel that oppressive constriction - it is an
invitation to leave Egypt consciously. How do we do that? By consciously
choosing our reaction to the moment. I can prioritize and own my choices,
without guilt or self-doubt. Without that choice, I end up feeling "acted
upon" and/or "helpless." That is exactly slave mentality –
seeing oneself as an object with no autonomy. Being free is being present – aka:
connected to your will.
This leads us to...
Issue #3. FOMO - Another thing I've heard from women (and
experienced myself) is feeling embittered at being left out; wanting so badly
to be part of the adult conversation, and not pretending a spoon of mushed
carrots is an airplane.
Tip #1: You have to figure out what does give you a sense
of meaning/significance (something doable - specific part of the seder? ftr,
I've done this with Rosh Hashana davening – choosing what part I want to be in
shul for) and then find a way to actualize it. (Does it need to be said that
your husband should be a willing helper in making that happen?!)
BUT do not automatically define one mode of spirituality
as ideal and superior. Who says that my reading the hagada by myself is less
beloved in Hashem's eyes than the discussion going on at the table? It feels
less important – but like many of our other feelings, they do not necessarily
reflect reality. (Certainly not the spiritual one.)
Tip #2: I don't know if this is so practical but if it's
relevant to you - read the hagada outloud while feeding/nursing the baby. The
baby will understand; his/her soul will understand.
Important note: I know there is a trend in western
culture encouraging women to nurse fully exposed. This is flagrantly against
halacha. Breasts ARE erva (no, erva does not mean shameful or dirty – it just
means that it is not something mundane and can only be revealed under certain
circumstances) and EVERY human is not allowed to learn Torah or daven when an
erva body part if visible. Cover up in a cozy way and use the nursing to not
just feed your baby's body but his/her soul as well (and yours obviously).
The Pesach Connection #2:
Notice that the dominant feeling many women feel seder
night is bitterness… this is not arbitrary for that is the natural reaction to
confinement. The maror represents the bitterness of Egyptian slavery – of being
oppressed by the confinement. And what are we celebrating? That we left Egypt
for Eretz Yisrael – a land described in the Chumash as the opposite of Egypt!
Instead of narrow straits, we say in bentsching every day "eretz tova
u'rechava…" the good and wide land. Not only that – it is the land of milk
and honey!
It's ironic to point of being hilarious – the tiny strip
of land called Eretz Yisrael is the wide (what?!) and (therefore) sweet land
while huge Egypt is the place of bitterness and constriction… and that's the
point. The geographical/physical reality has nothing to do with our
reality/experience. Our reality is what we choose. That is Yetzias Mitzrayim
incarnate. (Ftr, don't go trying to explain this to your toddler. Wait at least
until s/he's 5 y.o. LOL.)
P.S. Don’t forget to skim Magid on Shabbat HaGadol. Other than being a prevalent custom in Am Yisrael, it is a fantastic way to get ready for Pesach.
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